Magical Beginning

It was the 21st day of November, I was 37 weeks pregnant. Somehow, I knew that this was the big day. My feelings were confirmed by thugs and kicks from my tummy… seems like my baby boy wanted to come out. I did my yoga routine and meditated to prepare my mind and body. I was having mixed emotions… anxious and excited. During the doctor’s appointment, my doctor confirmed that I was 3cm dilated and that my cervix was very thin. She also confirmed that my baby has faced front an indication that its a sign that active labor will begin today. My reaction was so passive since I was having waves of mixed emotions I didnt know how to react. I couldnt even feel any pain. I couldnt grasp what i was actually feeling. I was with my mom an she appeared like she was the one who was about to go on labor. I sat quietly and remained autistic for the remaining period. In the hospital, I was wheeled in the pre-delivery room where I was to fill out certain documents. Doctors and nurses was asking me questions about symptoms of labor etc..and then the bomb/ where is the father? What kind of question is that? And so I replied, hes on his way. Or questions like? who are you with? and as I replied my parents, I so noticed the pause and the confused look. Maybe I was sensitive but I guess I may be overreacting. This is so typical. Whatever! I was going crazy because all the hospital attendees were noticing that I was smiling and somewhat softly giggling. They wheeled me in the Lamaze room, I looked at the time 3pm. I felt ok. Sure there was some pain but at 4cm I was still numb. My doctor came in and examined me. She popped my water bag to speed up the process. Then, it started 5cm.. ok i start to feel pain in my tummy.  As the contractions were getting stronger, the pain was getting to be agonzing. Everything was happening so fast. By 4:30pm I was 7cm dilated. Everyone was surprised as it was anticipated that it will take me hours to deliver. My anesthesiologist was not there. The father of my baby was not there. They were both stuck in traffic. I was in real pain. The spasms were a killer! In about 5:30pm my anesthesiologist arrived and gave me the epidurial. It was scary but when you’re weak. Nothing seems to matter anymore. At 6pm, I was fully dilated. My doctor and all the attendees were scuffling around preparing me for delivery. The father arrived just in time. We werent exactly in good terms but we didnt have time to dwell in our problems. He held my hand and cradled my head and coached me to push. I was a lousy pusher! You have to hold your breath for 10 seconds and push. Everyone in the room was counting. I shut my eyes and on the 3rd push, I succeeded after holding my breath and pushing with all my strength. Then, I heard the doctor say “ok hes here.. its a baby boy”  then I heard him cry. The doctor handed the baby to us /for a first encounter. The father and I were so overwhelmed tears were flowing in our eyes. It was a miracle! The gift of life. The baby was brought to the cradle to be cleaned and wheeled to the nursery. I on the other had was swen up and wheeled to the recovery room. I couldnt believe it. I was still in the high of delivering the baby i wasnt tired at all. I just wanted peace. In my room, my parents greeted me. We were all ectatic! Although I couldnt help the feeling of sadness regarding the father of my baby. He was distant. I just had to put up a brave face. Everything will be ok. My baby boy and I will be ok. I forced myself to walk after 3hrs. I was so excited to see him. It was past 1am when I went to visit the nursery. I was asked to wait in the feeding station/ in a couple of seconds, the nurse brought my baby boy to me. It was unbelievable. I held him in my arms. The feeling was surreal. I felt a bondness with him. He snuggled close to me. I held him and kissed his forehead. Now I know what they were saying… having a baby changes your life. Definitley having a baby completes me! In a spit second, I was full of strength to work harder and be able to give anything for this baby. It will be a life full of love and happiness. This is a beginning of a new chapter of our life.

In A State of Excitement and Anxiety

I’m 37weeks pregnant and 3cm dilated. My doctor advised me that I anytime within the week, I could go on labor and give birth. Finally, I thought to myself, we’re almost at the finish line. Im excited and worried. Nine months of emotional rollercoaster. The unexpected preganancy, the experience of living-in, being in love,happiness, sadness, frustration, moving-out, loneliness, fear,etc. I’ve been preparing myself emotionally for my baby boy these past months. It seems I feel prepared, but am  I really prepared? A million of thoughts came rushing through my whole being. For one, my relationship with the father is exceptionally different. I will be a single mother. I’m still working on healing myself . So many of my ideals were crushed before my eyes by people I really love and care about, leaving me hurt. I have no time to waste in grieving but I forced myself to focus on things that really matter. I think I did a good job in setting aside my own pains and fears. Although I wont hide the fact that I’m not totally okay yet. Now, my baby boy will soon be with me. I cant say “wait, mommy is not yet ready”  Time does not wait for anyone. Just thinking about him brings joy, excitement, and also fear. I’ll be a mother soon. What will it be like? How does he look? How does it feel to hold him? Will he love me? So many questions… and yet everything will be answered in time.