Letting Go

Falling in love is a euphoric feeling. Loving a person is a joyful feeling. Being commited to a person is a selfless act. These are the stages of love that we experience when we share our life with someone. I’ve gone through all these. I loved like I was never hurt before. But what happens when things fall apart. There is a force outside our being that seems to guide us through life. There are signs that we come across with that steer different emotions. Never ignore these signs as it truly is very helpful.  Never judge until we know the truth. The truth reaffirms all the signs and feelings we are encountering and allows us to reasses the situation. Twice I have been saved by this tremendous force. I have been wounded by love’s brutality both by dear friends.  Both my 1st husband, and my ex-boyfriend and dad of my baby boy betrayed me. They both have taken my feelings for granted. Both have admitted that along the way of our relationship they fell out of love and that they love someone else. But before they were able to admit that there was somebody else, they attacked me and tried to push me away. I tried very hard only to find out in the end that the reason was there is another person. The whole thing changes as clearly the reason for not being able to work things out is because there is only one person working it out. In an instant, It is easier to decide. There was no point in staying in the relationship. Letting go of these people and wishing them well was the best thing I did. I felt so sad, and disappointed. I felt pain piercing through me. In my life only goodness were my intentions.  I cried out to God to help give me strength. Prayed so hard to heal me of all the pain I’m going through. Its been 3weeks since I found out the truth. I no longer feel the pain maybe becuase I have surrendered myself and allowed God to take over my life. Amazing but I was able to turn anger to love. Crazy and twisted as it may seem, I was able to help my ex cope with his issues with the girl he thinks he love. Instead of killing him, I was there for him to strengthen him. Not expecting anything in return, I was able to be his friend. Sincerely speaking, I was able to put my emotions aside for a friend. I felt happy being able to help. Though I cant help feel lonely, I pray and I know God is there hugging me and comforting me. I hear God say ” Child, be patient and trust me. I will lead you the way to happiness.”

I’m Doing Just Fine

There was a time when I thought life was over and out
When you went away from me
My dying heart made it hard to breathe
Would sit in my room
Because I didn’t want to have to go out
And see you walking by
One look and I’d break right down and cry
Now you say that you’ve made a big mistake
Never meant to take your love away
But you can save your tired apologies
‘Cause it may seem hard to believe
But
I’m doin’ just fine
Getting along very well
Without you in my life
I don’t need you in my life
I’m doin’ just fine
Time made me stronger
You’re no longer on my mind
You were my earth
My number one priority
I gave me love to only you
Anything you’d ask of me
I would do
But somewhere down the road
You felt a change in the weather
And told me that you had to journey on
A kiss in the wind and your love was gone
Now you say you never meant to play your games
Girl, don’t you know it’s far too late
Because you let our love just fall apart
You no longer have a heart
When you said goodbye
I felt so all alone
There were times at night I couldn’t sleep
My heart was much to weak to make it on my own
Baby after all the misery
And pain you put me through
So unfair to me girl
You’re no longer my world
And I ain’t missin’ you at all

Another Chance

I looked into his eyes. There was emptiness. I waited and hoped to see loving eyes to look back at me instead he appeared cold and distant. Sadness grips me. I will never understand his sudden change of heart. It pains me so much when he looks at me. I couldn’t find any love in his eyes. Gone are the warmth and fond feelings.  Talking to each other is difficult. We became formal. Seems like we don’t know how to be ourselves anymore when we’re with each other. I hate the feeling. I should be angry at him. I should despise him. He let me go when I was 8months pregnant. Though I decided to move out, He left me with no other option but to go. How can I stay if I only make him unhappy. I admit I’m slow. And, like most girls, I’m moody. I irritate him. I don’t measure to his ideal mate. Despite these comments, I would have chosen to still stay but making him unhappy is not what I wanted. He does not want to work things out with me. He only wants to stay because of the baby. I was very disappointed. Again, I felt abandoned. Like my ex-husband, everything started beautifully. In the end, they bail out leaving me to pick up myself. These are the people I loved and cared so much for but who in turn has hurt me the most. These people have talked to me with harsh and cruel words you wouldn’t expect from friends.  I permitted it to happen because I wanted the relationship to work out. But, there really are things beyond our control. Sometimes, all we have to do is accept things. I didn’t have much time to cry as I was giving birth in a months’ time. I had to put up a brave face. I have to be strong. There isn’t anyone whom I can really trust but God and myself. Now with the baby, he wanted to work things out. Yet, he seemed distant. I could not be happy. My instincts tell me he’s just overwhelmed by the babys’ arrival and probably pressured by his family to work things out with me. My worry is in the event that the overwhelming feeling ends, he will see things through and realized that hes not happy with me and again, I will be left with no other option but to leave. I’m so tired of this cycle. I would very much like to walk away and close this chapter of my life. I know that this person has caused me a lot of pain. He would love you and push you away. I love him and I know he loved me too but he has taken my feelings for granted. He has criticized me and compared me with others.  If I were a weak person, my whole being will be crushed. It’s a good thing I have been strong enough not to let his criticism destroy me. I need to break this cycle.             Another chance? I believe it takes two to work things out. My instincts are not wrong. He just feels obligated to work things out. He still has not shown me any affection. It saddens me every time I see him. I will give it time. Although my patience is wearing out, I still want thing to give the benefit of the doubt. For my baby boy’s sake, I will do anything to exhaust all possible means in working out my relationship with the father. But, my perception will never change: Respect for Self and Others. We both deserve to be happy. Staying together for the baby’s sake will not last. But staying together because we love each other will last.

In A State of Excitement and Anxiety

I’m 37weeks pregnant and 3cm dilated. My doctor advised me that I anytime within the week, I could go on labor and give birth. Finally, I thought to myself, we’re almost at the finish line. Im excited and worried. Nine months of emotional rollercoaster. The unexpected preganancy, the experience of living-in, being in love,happiness, sadness, frustration, moving-out, loneliness, fear,etc. I’ve been preparing myself emotionally for my baby boy these past months. It seems I feel prepared, but am  I really prepared? A million of thoughts came rushing through my whole being. For one, my relationship with the father is exceptionally different. I will be a single mother. I’m still working on healing myself . So many of my ideals were crushed before my eyes by people I really love and care about, leaving me hurt. I have no time to waste in grieving but I forced myself to focus on things that really matter. I think I did a good job in setting aside my own pains and fears. Although I wont hide the fact that I’m not totally okay yet. Now, my baby boy will soon be with me. I cant say “wait, mommy is not yet ready”  Time does not wait for anyone. Just thinking about him brings joy, excitement, and also fear. I’ll be a mother soon. What will it be like? How does he look? How does it feel to hold him? Will he love me? So many questions… and yet everything will be answered in time.

Partnership (With Self) Contract

Divorced from my 1st husband, recently separated from my long time boyfriend, soon-to be- mom to a baby boy, I’d like to make a personal commitment to myself. I will be a single mother who is commited to self discovery and to furthering my joy and growth as a remarkable woman with my new best partner- me.

I agree to the following ideals:

I dont have to be a mom and dad to my son. I just need to be a loving guiding parent.

Allow myself time for my feelings to emerge has been a wonderful catharthic for me. I promise to allow a few minutes everyday to express my feelings, no matter how great or rotten I feel that day.

Never allow anyone to belittle me, and my family.

Respect myself. 

If and when I remarry, I promise to continue to nurture myself above above anyone else and not to stop growing because I am in a relationship. If I find that I cant grow because of the confines of a restrictive relationship, I will change that.

I will listen to and learn from my son as well as teach.

When people tell me how scary it must be to be a single mom, I will show them my bravery.

When people misjudge single mothers n my presence, I will educate them to the truths.

When people questions the legitimacy of children whose birth certificates dont bear a man’s signature, I will correct them gently but pointedly.

Within the next three months, I will have chosen “journaling” as an outlet with which to explore myself more fully. Graphic Illustration, and Yoga are two other interests I would like to continue to pursue.

In the course of raising myself and my son, I have learned that this is not a transition time until another husband or father for my son comes along, but rather a time that encourages me to deal with the here and now. The task is not so much to get through each day, but rather to appreciate the joy in the process. To that end, I agree to the above commitments which has no specific time goals, but I agree to begin this journey with myself starting today (November 17th, 2007).

Angels in Disguise

We are never alone. Despite feeling sad, weary, or stupid, there is a force amidst these emotions that guide us and encourage us that we are not alone. Its been a week since I made a promise to myself that I will stay away from him. Definitely its not easy. I get occasional flashback of memories. I catch myself staring blankly/frozen in time.  It saddens me knowing he had forgotten all the good times we had. I force myself to forget everything for I know that it will do me no good to live in the past. I’m trying to build new dreams for myself and my baby boy. I want to give the best life for my baby boy. I pray for continuous strength and guidance to be able to overcome all troubles that are happening and the challenges ahead. I know there is no glory without pain. Everyday I wake up/  hug myself and assure myself that everything will be alright. I’m scared but thank heavens for the great support group I have. God, my family, and friends have prove to be my saving grace.