The Future Is Bright

Last saturday, I attended a worship service with a good friend of mine. Since it was the last weekend of the year, the theme of the talk was about feeling positve of the new year. The theme of the talk “The Future Is Bright” reaffirms my feeling for the coming year. I know I am currently healing myself of hurts, It is only normal to feel worried. But the worship service reminded me that God is by my side. I need not ask for anything but claim it in my heart that God has already planned everything. We need not worry but instead should fully trust and surrender ourselves to him.  He has everything planned. He will take away our fears and lead us the way to happiness.

My New Years Resolution for Yr.2008 – “EMBRACE SINGLEHOOD AND MOTHERHOOD”

1. Strengthen Spiritual Journey (regulary attend worship service)

2. My Baby Boy

3. Set aside romantic relationship/ enjoy God’s presence, family, and friends

 4. Career Advancement – either in Manila, US, or Australia

5. Yoga Practice – physically fit

6. Yoga Organization

7. Adobe Illustrator- portfolio

8. Out of Town Trips

9. Photography

10. Save Money

Happy New Year!!!

Letting Go

Falling in love is a euphoric feeling. Loving a person is a joyful feeling. Being commited to a person is a selfless act. These are the stages of love that we experience when we share our life with someone. I’ve gone through all these. I loved like I was never hurt before. But what happens when things fall apart. There is a force outside our being that seems to guide us through life. There are signs that we come across with that steer different emotions. Never ignore these signs as it truly is very helpful.  Never judge until we know the truth. The truth reaffirms all the signs and feelings we are encountering and allows us to reasses the situation. Twice I have been saved by this tremendous force. I have been wounded by love’s brutality both by dear friends.  Both my 1st husband, and my ex-boyfriend and dad of my baby boy betrayed me. They both have taken my feelings for granted. Both have admitted that along the way of our relationship they fell out of love and that they love someone else. But before they were able to admit that there was somebody else, they attacked me and tried to push me away. I tried very hard only to find out in the end that the reason was there is another person. The whole thing changes as clearly the reason for not being able to work things out is because there is only one person working it out. In an instant, It is easier to decide. There was no point in staying in the relationship. Letting go of these people and wishing them well was the best thing I did. I felt so sad, and disappointed. I felt pain piercing through me. In my life only goodness were my intentions.  I cried out to God to help give me strength. Prayed so hard to heal me of all the pain I’m going through. Its been 3weeks since I found out the truth. I no longer feel the pain maybe becuase I have surrendered myself and allowed God to take over my life. Amazing but I was able to turn anger to love. Crazy and twisted as it may seem, I was able to help my ex cope with his issues with the girl he thinks he love. Instead of killing him, I was there for him to strengthen him. Not expecting anything in return, I was able to be his friend. Sincerely speaking, I was able to put my emotions aside for a friend. I felt happy being able to help. Though I cant help feel lonely, I pray and I know God is there hugging me and comforting me. I hear God say ” Child, be patient and trust me. I will lead you the way to happiness.”

I’m Doing Just Fine

There was a time when I thought life was over and out
When you went away from me
My dying heart made it hard to breathe
Would sit in my room
Because I didn’t want to have to go out
And see you walking by
One look and I’d break right down and cry
Now you say that you’ve made a big mistake
Never meant to take your love away
But you can save your tired apologies
‘Cause it may seem hard to believe
But
I’m doin’ just fine
Getting along very well
Without you in my life
I don’t need you in my life
I’m doin’ just fine
Time made me stronger
You’re no longer on my mind
You were my earth
My number one priority
I gave me love to only you
Anything you’d ask of me
I would do
But somewhere down the road
You felt a change in the weather
And told me that you had to journey on
A kiss in the wind and your love was gone
Now you say you never meant to play your games
Girl, don’t you know it’s far too late
Because you let our love just fall apart
You no longer have a heart
When you said goodbye
I felt so all alone
There were times at night I couldn’t sleep
My heart was much to weak to make it on my own
Baby after all the misery
And pain you put me through
So unfair to me girl
You’re no longer my world
And I ain’t missin’ you at all

Another Chance

I looked into his eyes. There was emptiness. I waited and hoped to see loving eyes to look back at me instead he appeared cold and distant. Sadness grips me. I will never understand his sudden change of heart. It pains me so much when he looks at me. I couldn’t find any love in his eyes. Gone are the warmth and fond feelings.  Talking to each other is difficult. We became formal. Seems like we don’t know how to be ourselves anymore when we’re with each other. I hate the feeling. I should be angry at him. I should despise him. He let me go when I was 8months pregnant. Though I decided to move out, He left me with no other option but to go. How can I stay if I only make him unhappy. I admit I’m slow. And, like most girls, I’m moody. I irritate him. I don’t measure to his ideal mate. Despite these comments, I would have chosen to still stay but making him unhappy is not what I wanted. He does not want to work things out with me. He only wants to stay because of the baby. I was very disappointed. Again, I felt abandoned. Like my ex-husband, everything started beautifully. In the end, they bail out leaving me to pick up myself. These are the people I loved and cared so much for but who in turn has hurt me the most. These people have talked to me with harsh and cruel words you wouldn’t expect from friends.  I permitted it to happen because I wanted the relationship to work out. But, there really are things beyond our control. Sometimes, all we have to do is accept things. I didn’t have much time to cry as I was giving birth in a months’ time. I had to put up a brave face. I have to be strong. There isn’t anyone whom I can really trust but God and myself. Now with the baby, he wanted to work things out. Yet, he seemed distant. I could not be happy. My instincts tell me he’s just overwhelmed by the babys’ arrival and probably pressured by his family to work things out with me. My worry is in the event that the overwhelming feeling ends, he will see things through and realized that hes not happy with me and again, I will be left with no other option but to leave. I’m so tired of this cycle. I would very much like to walk away and close this chapter of my life. I know that this person has caused me a lot of pain. He would love you and push you away. I love him and I know he loved me too but he has taken my feelings for granted. He has criticized me and compared me with others.  If I were a weak person, my whole being will be crushed. It’s a good thing I have been strong enough not to let his criticism destroy me. I need to break this cycle.             Another chance? I believe it takes two to work things out. My instincts are not wrong. He just feels obligated to work things out. He still has not shown me any affection. It saddens me every time I see him. I will give it time. Although my patience is wearing out, I still want thing to give the benefit of the doubt. For my baby boy’s sake, I will do anything to exhaust all possible means in working out my relationship with the father. But, my perception will never change: Respect for Self and Others. We both deserve to be happy. Staying together for the baby’s sake will not last. But staying together because we love each other will last.

Magical Beginning

It was the 21st day of November, I was 37 weeks pregnant. Somehow, I knew that this was the big day. My feelings were confirmed by thugs and kicks from my tummy… seems like my baby boy wanted to come out. I did my yoga routine and meditated to prepare my mind and body. I was having mixed emotions… anxious and excited. During the doctor’s appointment, my doctor confirmed that I was 3cm dilated and that my cervix was very thin. She also confirmed that my baby has faced front an indication that its a sign that active labor will begin today. My reaction was so passive since I was having waves of mixed emotions I didnt know how to react. I couldnt even feel any pain. I couldnt grasp what i was actually feeling. I was with my mom an she appeared like she was the one who was about to go on labor. I sat quietly and remained autistic for the remaining period. In the hospital, I was wheeled in the pre-delivery room where I was to fill out certain documents. Doctors and nurses was asking me questions about symptoms of labor etc..and then the bomb/ where is the father? What kind of question is that? And so I replied, hes on his way. Or questions like? who are you with? and as I replied my parents, I so noticed the pause and the confused look. Maybe I was sensitive but I guess I may be overreacting. This is so typical. Whatever! I was going crazy because all the hospital attendees were noticing that I was smiling and somewhat softly giggling. They wheeled me in the Lamaze room, I looked at the time 3pm. I felt ok. Sure there was some pain but at 4cm I was still numb. My doctor came in and examined me. She popped my water bag to speed up the process. Then, it started 5cm.. ok i start to feel pain in my tummy.  As the contractions were getting stronger, the pain was getting to be agonzing. Everything was happening so fast. By 4:30pm I was 7cm dilated. Everyone was surprised as it was anticipated that it will take me hours to deliver. My anesthesiologist was not there. The father of my baby was not there. They were both stuck in traffic. I was in real pain. The spasms were a killer! In about 5:30pm my anesthesiologist arrived and gave me the epidurial. It was scary but when you’re weak. Nothing seems to matter anymore. At 6pm, I was fully dilated. My doctor and all the attendees were scuffling around preparing me for delivery. The father arrived just in time. We werent exactly in good terms but we didnt have time to dwell in our problems. He held my hand and cradled my head and coached me to push. I was a lousy pusher! You have to hold your breath for 10 seconds and push. Everyone in the room was counting. I shut my eyes and on the 3rd push, I succeeded after holding my breath and pushing with all my strength. Then, I heard the doctor say “ok hes here.. its a baby boy”  then I heard him cry. The doctor handed the baby to us /for a first encounter. The father and I were so overwhelmed tears were flowing in our eyes. It was a miracle! The gift of life. The baby was brought to the cradle to be cleaned and wheeled to the nursery. I on the other had was swen up and wheeled to the recovery room. I couldnt believe it. I was still in the high of delivering the baby i wasnt tired at all. I just wanted peace. In my room, my parents greeted me. We were all ectatic! Although I couldnt help the feeling of sadness regarding the father of my baby. He was distant. I just had to put up a brave face. Everything will be ok. My baby boy and I will be ok. I forced myself to walk after 3hrs. I was so excited to see him. It was past 1am when I went to visit the nursery. I was asked to wait in the feeding station/ in a couple of seconds, the nurse brought my baby boy to me. It was unbelievable. I held him in my arms. The feeling was surreal. I felt a bondness with him. He snuggled close to me. I held him and kissed his forehead. Now I know what they were saying… having a baby changes your life. Definitley having a baby completes me! In a spit second, I was full of strength to work harder and be able to give anything for this baby. It will be a life full of love and happiness. This is a beginning of a new chapter of our life.

In A State of Excitement and Anxiety

I’m 37weeks pregnant and 3cm dilated. My doctor advised me that I anytime within the week, I could go on labor and give birth. Finally, I thought to myself, we’re almost at the finish line. Im excited and worried. Nine months of emotional rollercoaster. The unexpected preganancy, the experience of living-in, being in love,happiness, sadness, frustration, moving-out, loneliness, fear,etc. I’ve been preparing myself emotionally for my baby boy these past months. It seems I feel prepared, but am  I really prepared? A million of thoughts came rushing through my whole being. For one, my relationship with the father is exceptionally different. I will be a single mother. I’m still working on healing myself . So many of my ideals were crushed before my eyes by people I really love and care about, leaving me hurt. I have no time to waste in grieving but I forced myself to focus on things that really matter. I think I did a good job in setting aside my own pains and fears. Although I wont hide the fact that I’m not totally okay yet. Now, my baby boy will soon be with me. I cant say “wait, mommy is not yet ready”  Time does not wait for anyone. Just thinking about him brings joy, excitement, and also fear. I’ll be a mother soon. What will it be like? How does he look? How does it feel to hold him? Will he love me? So many questions… and yet everything will be answered in time.

The Essence of Being Single

All your life, you had specific dreams about what your family life would be like hen you finally marry.

You were so intent on what you wanted, you even made a list of qualities and characteristics you were looking for in spouse, in a home, in your job, in your children.

But time passed and that person you were so intent didnt come along.

All of your friends married, had children, had beautiful homes, and still you were single.

You prayed and prayed and prayed for that person to come along, but nothing happened.

You had a great job.

You served in your church.

You spent daily time with the Lord in prayer.

You dedicated your life to serving God in every way possible, but still nothing happened.

So you decided to take matters into your own hands, and you began an activate search for a partner.

And within a short period of time, you met someone who almost fit the picture..Almost

Sure, there were a few things missing, a few rusty spots in that person’s character.

But after all, noone is perfect. Maybe your goals were too high. Maybe you were asking for the impossible.

Maybe this was the person God wanted for you so your character would grow through dealing with his or her shortcomings.

Even though it often seems that God is slow to answer prayers, no matter whether its about a partner, a job, family member, or our finances, we have to remember that God doesnt wear a watch.

Nor does he look into our human calendars. He sees with eternal eyes. He operates on eternal timetable, according to his plan and his schedule.

If God seems to be running late, dont get impatient and run ahead of him.

Wait for the Lords timing in everything.

To the single folks out there, this is for you:

BEING SINGLE MEANS YOU HAVE TIME TO GROW AND BE THE PERSON YOU  WANT TO BE.

BEING SINGLE GIVES YOU SPACE TO GROW. SOMETIMES ITS HARDER TO GROW WHEN YOU ARE TOO CLOSE TO SOMEONE. TREES ARE PLANTED FAR APART SO THEY CAN SPREAD THEIR BRANCHES AND BECOME STRONG AS THEY MATURE.

BEING SINGLE MEANS LEARNING TO LIVE BY YOURSELF. HOWEVER, THAT IS MORE DIFFICULT THAN LEARNING TO LIVE WITH SOMEBODY ELSE.

BEING SINGLE MEANS FREEDOM. YOU ARE FREE TO SPEND A WEEKS VACATION ON THE BEACH, TO TAKE ON HOBBIES, TO WORK LATE, TO SPEND THE DAY IN BED WITH A GOOD BOOK ETC WITHOUT GETTING THE CONSENT OF ANYONE.

BEING SINGLE MEANS LEARNING NOT TO NEED ANOTHER PERSON TO MAKE YOUR LIFE MEANINGFUL BUT LEARNNG TO LIVE WITH SOMEONE BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE WITH THAT SOMEONE.

BEING SINGLE MEANS THAT SOMETIMES YOU WILL WONDER WHY YOU WILL BITE YOUR LIP AND FEEL WISTFUL AND WONDER IF MARRIAGE IS BETTER.

IRONICALLY, YET QUITE HAPPILY, BEING SINGLE IS FEELING GOOD ABOUT BEING IN CONTROL WITH YOUR LIFE. IT IS LIKING, RESPECTING, AND LOVING WHO YOU ARE.

BEING SINGLE IS REALIZING THAT BEING MARRIED IS NOT NECESSARY BETTER, IT IS MERELY DIFFERENT.

BEING SINGLE MEANS THERE COULD BE SOMETHING WONDERFUL AROUND THE CORNER.

BEING SINGLE MEANS YOU ARE FREE TO LOVE AGAIN.

YESTERDAY WAS TO LEARN AND TOMORROW WILL BE THE CONSEQUENCE OF WHAT I WILL DO TODAY.

Closing Cycles

By Paolo Coehlo

One always has to know when a stage comes to
an end. If we insist on staying longer than the
necessary time, we lose the happiness and the
meaning of the other stages we have to go
through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending
chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters
is to leave in the past the moments of life that have
finished.

Did you lose your job? Had a loving relationship
come to an end? Did you leave your parents’
house? Gone to live abroad? Had a long-lasting
friendship end all of a sudden? You can spend a
long time wondering why this has happened. You
can tell yourself you won’t take another step until
you find out why certain things that were so
important and so solid in your life have turned into
dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be
awfully stressing for everyone involved: your
parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your
children, your sister, everyone will be finishing
chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with
life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a
standstill. None of us can be in the present and
the past at the same time, not even when we try to
understand the things that happen to us. What has
passed will not return: we cannot forever be
children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or
rancor towards our parents,lovers who day and
night relive an affair with someone who has gone
away and has not the least intention of coming
back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to
let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it
may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of
things away to orphanages, sell or donate the
books you have at home. Everything in this visible
world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of
what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of
certain memories also means making some room
for other memories to take their place. Let things
go. Release them. Detach yourself from them.
Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so
sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do
not expect anything in return, do not expect your
efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be
discovered, your love to be understood. Stop
turning on your emotional television to watch the
same program over and over again, the one that
shows how much you suffered from a certain loss:
that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting
love relationships that are broken off, work that is
promised but there is no starting date, decisions
that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.”

Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to
be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will
never come back. Remember that there was a
time when you could live without that thing or that
person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a
need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be
difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride,incapacity or
arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits
your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean
the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who
you were, and change into who you are…

Partnership (With Self) Contract

Divorced from my 1st husband, recently separated from my long time boyfriend, soon-to be- mom to a baby boy, I’d like to make a personal commitment to myself. I will be a single mother who is commited to self discovery and to furthering my joy and growth as a remarkable woman with my new best partner- me.

I agree to the following ideals:

I dont have to be a mom and dad to my son. I just need to be a loving guiding parent.

Allow myself time for my feelings to emerge has been a wonderful catharthic for me. I promise to allow a few minutes everyday to express my feelings, no matter how great or rotten I feel that day.

Never allow anyone to belittle me, and my family.

Respect myself. 

If and when I remarry, I promise to continue to nurture myself above above anyone else and not to stop growing because I am in a relationship. If I find that I cant grow because of the confines of a restrictive relationship, I will change that.

I will listen to and learn from my son as well as teach.

When people tell me how scary it must be to be a single mom, I will show them my bravery.

When people misjudge single mothers n my presence, I will educate them to the truths.

When people questions the legitimacy of children whose birth certificates dont bear a man’s signature, I will correct them gently but pointedly.

Within the next three months, I will have chosen “journaling” as an outlet with which to explore myself more fully. Graphic Illustration, and Yoga are two other interests I would like to continue to pursue.

In the course of raising myself and my son, I have learned that this is not a transition time until another husband or father for my son comes along, but rather a time that encourages me to deal with the here and now. The task is not so much to get through each day, but rather to appreciate the joy in the process. To that end, I agree to the above commitments which has no specific time goals, but I agree to begin this journey with myself starting today (November 17th, 2007).

Angels in Disguise

We are never alone. Despite feeling sad, weary, or stupid, there is a force amidst these emotions that guide us and encourage us that we are not alone. Its been a week since I made a promise to myself that I will stay away from him. Definitely its not easy. I get occasional flashback of memories. I catch myself staring blankly/frozen in time.  It saddens me knowing he had forgotten all the good times we had. I force myself to forget everything for I know that it will do me no good to live in the past. I’m trying to build new dreams for myself and my baby boy. I want to give the best life for my baby boy. I pray for continuous strength and guidance to be able to overcome all troubles that are happening and the challenges ahead. I know there is no glory without pain. Everyday I wake up/  hug myself and assure myself that everything will be alright. I’m scared but thank heavens for the great support group I have. God, my family, and friends have prove to be my saving grace.