Magical Beginning

It was the 21st day of November, I was 37 weeks pregnant. Somehow, I knew that this was the big day. My feelings were confirmed by thugs and kicks from my tummy… seems like my baby boy wanted to come out. I did my yoga routine and meditated to prepare my mind and body. I was having mixed emotions… anxious and excited. During the doctor’s appointment, my doctor confirmed that I was 3cm dilated and that my cervix was very thin. She also confirmed that my baby has faced front an indication that its a sign that active labor will begin today. My reaction was so passive since I was having waves of mixed emotions I didnt know how to react. I couldnt even feel any pain. I couldnt grasp what i was actually feeling. I was with my mom an she appeared like she was the one who was about to go on labor. I sat quietly and remained autistic for the remaining period. In the hospital, I was wheeled in the pre-delivery room where I was to fill out certain documents. Doctors and nurses was asking me questions about symptoms of labor etc..and then the bomb/ where is the father? What kind of question is that? And so I replied, hes on his way. Or questions like? who are you with? and as I replied my parents, I so noticed the pause and the confused look. Maybe I was sensitive but I guess I may be overreacting. This is so typical. Whatever! I was going crazy because all the hospital attendees were noticing that I was smiling and somewhat softly giggling. They wheeled me in the Lamaze room, I looked at the time 3pm. I felt ok. Sure there was some pain but at 4cm I was still numb. My doctor came in and examined me. She popped my water bag to speed up the process. Then, it started 5cm.. ok i start to feel pain in my tummy.  As the contractions were getting stronger, the pain was getting to be agonzing. Everything was happening so fast. By 4:30pm I was 7cm dilated. Everyone was surprised as it was anticipated that it will take me hours to deliver. My anesthesiologist was not there. The father of my baby was not there. They were both stuck in traffic. I was in real pain. The spasms were a killer! In about 5:30pm my anesthesiologist arrived and gave me the epidurial. It was scary but when you’re weak. Nothing seems to matter anymore. At 6pm, I was fully dilated. My doctor and all the attendees were scuffling around preparing me for delivery. The father arrived just in time. We werent exactly in good terms but we didnt have time to dwell in our problems. He held my hand and cradled my head and coached me to push. I was a lousy pusher! You have to hold your breath for 10 seconds and push. Everyone in the room was counting. I shut my eyes and on the 3rd push, I succeeded after holding my breath and pushing with all my strength. Then, I heard the doctor say “ok hes here.. its a baby boy”  then I heard him cry. The doctor handed the baby to us /for a first encounter. The father and I were so overwhelmed tears were flowing in our eyes. It was a miracle! The gift of life. The baby was brought to the cradle to be cleaned and wheeled to the nursery. I on the other had was swen up and wheeled to the recovery room. I couldnt believe it. I was still in the high of delivering the baby i wasnt tired at all. I just wanted peace. In my room, my parents greeted me. We were all ectatic! Although I couldnt help the feeling of sadness regarding the father of my baby. He was distant. I just had to put up a brave face. Everything will be ok. My baby boy and I will be ok. I forced myself to walk after 3hrs. I was so excited to see him. It was past 1am when I went to visit the nursery. I was asked to wait in the feeding station/ in a couple of seconds, the nurse brought my baby boy to me. It was unbelievable. I held him in my arms. The feeling was surreal. I felt a bondness with him. He snuggled close to me. I held him and kissed his forehead. Now I know what they were saying… having a baby changes your life. Definitley having a baby completes me! In a spit second, I was full of strength to work harder and be able to give anything for this baby. It will be a life full of love and happiness. This is a beginning of a new chapter of our life.

In A State of Excitement and Anxiety

I’m 37weeks pregnant and 3cm dilated. My doctor advised me that I anytime within the week, I could go on labor and give birth. Finally, I thought to myself, we’re almost at the finish line. Im excited and worried. Nine months of emotional rollercoaster. The unexpected preganancy, the experience of living-in, being in love,happiness, sadness, frustration, moving-out, loneliness, fear,etc. I’ve been preparing myself emotionally for my baby boy these past months. It seems I feel prepared, but am  I really prepared? A million of thoughts came rushing through my whole being. For one, my relationship with the father is exceptionally different. I will be a single mother. I’m still working on healing myself . So many of my ideals were crushed before my eyes by people I really love and care about, leaving me hurt. I have no time to waste in grieving but I forced myself to focus on things that really matter. I think I did a good job in setting aside my own pains and fears. Although I wont hide the fact that I’m not totally okay yet. Now, my baby boy will soon be with me. I cant say “wait, mommy is not yet ready”  Time does not wait for anyone. Just thinking about him brings joy, excitement, and also fear. I’ll be a mother soon. What will it be like? How does he look? How does it feel to hold him? Will he love me? So many questions… and yet everything will be answered in time.

The Essence of Being Single

All your life, you had specific dreams about what your family life would be like hen you finally marry.

You were so intent on what you wanted, you even made a list of qualities and characteristics you were looking for in spouse, in a home, in your job, in your children.

But time passed and that person you were so intent didnt come along.

All of your friends married, had children, had beautiful homes, and still you were single.

You prayed and prayed and prayed for that person to come along, but nothing happened.

You had a great job.

You served in your church.

You spent daily time with the Lord in prayer.

You dedicated your life to serving God in every way possible, but still nothing happened.

So you decided to take matters into your own hands, and you began an activate search for a partner.

And within a short period of time, you met someone who almost fit the picture..Almost

Sure, there were a few things missing, a few rusty spots in that person’s character.

But after all, noone is perfect. Maybe your goals were too high. Maybe you were asking for the impossible.

Maybe this was the person God wanted for you so your character would grow through dealing with his or her shortcomings.

Even though it often seems that God is slow to answer prayers, no matter whether its about a partner, a job, family member, or our finances, we have to remember that God doesnt wear a watch.

Nor does he look into our human calendars. He sees with eternal eyes. He operates on eternal timetable, according to his plan and his schedule.

If God seems to be running late, dont get impatient and run ahead of him.

Wait for the Lords timing in everything.

To the single folks out there, this is for you:

BEING SINGLE MEANS YOU HAVE TIME TO GROW AND BE THE PERSON YOU  WANT TO BE.

BEING SINGLE GIVES YOU SPACE TO GROW. SOMETIMES ITS HARDER TO GROW WHEN YOU ARE TOO CLOSE TO SOMEONE. TREES ARE PLANTED FAR APART SO THEY CAN SPREAD THEIR BRANCHES AND BECOME STRONG AS THEY MATURE.

BEING SINGLE MEANS LEARNING TO LIVE BY YOURSELF. HOWEVER, THAT IS MORE DIFFICULT THAN LEARNING TO LIVE WITH SOMEBODY ELSE.

BEING SINGLE MEANS FREEDOM. YOU ARE FREE TO SPEND A WEEKS VACATION ON THE BEACH, TO TAKE ON HOBBIES, TO WORK LATE, TO SPEND THE DAY IN BED WITH A GOOD BOOK ETC WITHOUT GETTING THE CONSENT OF ANYONE.

BEING SINGLE MEANS LEARNING NOT TO NEED ANOTHER PERSON TO MAKE YOUR LIFE MEANINGFUL BUT LEARNNG TO LIVE WITH SOMEONE BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE WITH THAT SOMEONE.

BEING SINGLE MEANS THAT SOMETIMES YOU WILL WONDER WHY YOU WILL BITE YOUR LIP AND FEEL WISTFUL AND WONDER IF MARRIAGE IS BETTER.

IRONICALLY, YET QUITE HAPPILY, BEING SINGLE IS FEELING GOOD ABOUT BEING IN CONTROL WITH YOUR LIFE. IT IS LIKING, RESPECTING, AND LOVING WHO YOU ARE.

BEING SINGLE IS REALIZING THAT BEING MARRIED IS NOT NECESSARY BETTER, IT IS MERELY DIFFERENT.

BEING SINGLE MEANS THERE COULD BE SOMETHING WONDERFUL AROUND THE CORNER.

BEING SINGLE MEANS YOU ARE FREE TO LOVE AGAIN.

YESTERDAY WAS TO LEARN AND TOMORROW WILL BE THE CONSEQUENCE OF WHAT I WILL DO TODAY.

Closing Cycles

By Paolo Coehlo

One always has to know when a stage comes to
an end. If we insist on staying longer than the
necessary time, we lose the happiness and the
meaning of the other stages we have to go
through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending
chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters
is to leave in the past the moments of life that have
finished.

Did you lose your job? Had a loving relationship
come to an end? Did you leave your parents’
house? Gone to live abroad? Had a long-lasting
friendship end all of a sudden? You can spend a
long time wondering why this has happened. You
can tell yourself you won’t take another step until
you find out why certain things that were so
important and so solid in your life have turned into
dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be
awfully stressing for everyone involved: your
parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your
children, your sister, everyone will be finishing
chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with
life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a
standstill. None of us can be in the present and
the past at the same time, not even when we try to
understand the things that happen to us. What has
passed will not return: we cannot forever be
children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or
rancor towards our parents,lovers who day and
night relive an affair with someone who has gone
away and has not the least intention of coming
back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to
let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it
may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of
things away to orphanages, sell or donate the
books you have at home. Everything in this visible
world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of
what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of
certain memories also means making some room
for other memories to take their place. Let things
go. Release them. Detach yourself from them.
Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so
sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do
not expect anything in return, do not expect your
efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be
discovered, your love to be understood. Stop
turning on your emotional television to watch the
same program over and over again, the one that
shows how much you suffered from a certain loss:
that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting
love relationships that are broken off, work that is
promised but there is no starting date, decisions
that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.”

Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to
be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will
never come back. Remember that there was a
time when you could live without that thing or that
person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a
need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be
difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride,incapacity or
arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits
your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean
the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who
you were, and change into who you are…

Partnership (With Self) Contract

Divorced from my 1st husband, recently separated from my long time boyfriend, soon-to be- mom to a baby boy, I’d like to make a personal commitment to myself. I will be a single mother who is commited to self discovery and to furthering my joy and growth as a remarkable woman with my new best partner- me.

I agree to the following ideals:

I dont have to be a mom and dad to my son. I just need to be a loving guiding parent.

Allow myself time for my feelings to emerge has been a wonderful catharthic for me. I promise to allow a few minutes everyday to express my feelings, no matter how great or rotten I feel that day.

Never allow anyone to belittle me, and my family.

Respect myself. 

If and when I remarry, I promise to continue to nurture myself above above anyone else and not to stop growing because I am in a relationship. If I find that I cant grow because of the confines of a restrictive relationship, I will change that.

I will listen to and learn from my son as well as teach.

When people tell me how scary it must be to be a single mom, I will show them my bravery.

When people misjudge single mothers n my presence, I will educate them to the truths.

When people questions the legitimacy of children whose birth certificates dont bear a man’s signature, I will correct them gently but pointedly.

Within the next three months, I will have chosen “journaling” as an outlet with which to explore myself more fully. Graphic Illustration, and Yoga are two other interests I would like to continue to pursue.

In the course of raising myself and my son, I have learned that this is not a transition time until another husband or father for my son comes along, but rather a time that encourages me to deal with the here and now. The task is not so much to get through each day, but rather to appreciate the joy in the process. To that end, I agree to the above commitments which has no specific time goals, but I agree to begin this journey with myself starting today (November 17th, 2007).

Angels in Disguise

We are never alone. Despite feeling sad, weary, or stupid, there is a force amidst these emotions that guide us and encourage us that we are not alone. Its been a week since I made a promise to myself that I will stay away from him. Definitely its not easy. I get occasional flashback of memories. I catch myself staring blankly/frozen in time.  It saddens me knowing he had forgotten all the good times we had. I force myself to forget everything for I know that it will do me no good to live in the past. I’m trying to build new dreams for myself and my baby boy. I want to give the best life for my baby boy. I pray for continuous strength and guidance to be able to overcome all troubles that are happening and the challenges ahead. I know there is no glory without pain. Everyday I wake up/  hug myself and assure myself that everything will be alright. I’m scared but thank heavens for the great support group I have. God, my family, and friends have prove to be my saving grace.

Starting All Over Again

The only way to go when you want to alter your life is to do it the old cold turkey way ..like stripping a band aid! You have to muster all the courage and strength and just do it! Its been two week since I moved out from my boyfriends place after so much emotional stress. It wasnt an impulsive move but rather a wise selfless act. The pain is agonizing but I believe its the best decision I made. I am expecting to give birth in a few weeks. Although my ideals have been shattered. I know greater things are yet to come. I know it wont be easy being a single parent but Im sure the challenges will be very fulfilling. Thanks to the great support I have.. my angel friends, loving family, and God’s continuous guidance.

Keep the Faith

What happens when you see part of your world shattering into pieces for the second time? If you’re like me, you’ll probably be staring blankly, unable to speak, and numb down to the feet. Pain will slice through you. And for days, you might be living like a catatonic. Exhausted in doing everything to save a beautiful dream you are left with no other option but to let go. The greatest handicapp is fear. It takes great will to get up and move on especially after you have learned to trust your heart to someone. A lot of things are beyond our control. The only thing constant is change. It is the ability to willingly accept, adapt, and learn from these changes that we remain sane. This I say to everyone, patience is a virtue. Everything happens for a reason that opens bigger opportunities. We must believe that these are blessings in disguise. Everything will be okay.